Gossip. It could very easily be the woman’s besetting sin. Whereas men may struggle with keeping their thoughts pure, a woman’s battle is against gossip.
A Woman’s Battle is Against Gossip
I’m a talker. Anyone who knows me well at all, knows this. But more and more I’m realizing that all my talking may not always be good. In fact, many times my talking could be the very opposite of good.
It didn’t use to bother me. In fact, for many years, I didn’t see gossip for what it really was. I thought I was “just venting”, or participating in “normal woman talk”. After all, what do you do when a friend, family member or husband annoys or hurts you? You call up another friend/family member and complain to them. Usually the person you call takes your side and the gab fest is on.
As women we are emotional. We feel so much and we just “have to vent”. It’s normal and it happens daily.
But is it right?
I really don’t know what changed for me. I don’t know when I realized that a woman’s battle is against gossip. I cannot say I had some great epiphany, or that God told me directly, or even that I read something in the bible that “just clicked”. But sometime last year I began feeling almost disgusted at myself.
After being with a group of women, or even just one woman and having a typical conversation consisting mostly of gossip, the conversation would replay through my head.
I would hear myself speaking unkind words. Mocking another’s beliefs. Tearing down, tearing down. It rang unkind in my ears and I would find myself wondering if God was pleased with my words and in my heart, I knew he wasn’t.
Why is it that we must use words as weapons? Even when the person cannot hear my words; once spoken, those words have a strange ability to make their way straight to that person.
After awhile of this constantly happening, me vomiting unkind words, and then hearing them in my head for hours later, I decided that enough was enough. No more gossip. No more talking about people in an unkind manner. No matter how hurt or frustrated I was with a person, I wasn’t going to talk bad about them anymore.
But here is the thing, it was such a habit, so ingrained in me, that I still gossiped. In spite of my loathing towards it, I still said unkind things.
So what changed? The person I talked to.
Let me tell you. If I’m not talking aloud, I’m talking in my head. I literally cannot shut up, it would seem.
So, when I felt hurt. When I felt angry. When I needed someone to talk to that would understand me, I talked to the Lord. And that’s when things started getting better.
When Jason hurts me. When my mother makes me mad. When the family I work for annoys me. I take it to the one who truly understands, and I ask him to help me understand as well.
I find myself crying out to God so much more. Just begging him to help me, and to give me the wisdom, strength and courage to go on. Instead of opening my mouth and saying stuff that I shouldn’t, I’m crying to my heavenly father, and not only does he comfort me in a way that mere humans cannot, he is also changing me.
I cannot change my husband. I cannot change my mother, or anyone else that may annoy or hurt me. But, God can change me if I allow him. I don’t want things to stay the same, I want to grow and learn and become the person God created me to be. I cannot blame others, I cannot allow my circumstances to hold me back, and I can only surrender myself to the one who created me.
Does gossip still slip out? Yes. In fact, just after having a long conversation with the Lord and praying that he would set a door against my lips; I messed up. I was on the phone and Jason came home. I told my caller that hubby was home so I couldn’t say anymore. Clearly, if I couldn’t say it with him around, I shouldn’t have said it when he wasn’t.
A woman’s battle is against gossip and with the Lord I can win. But oh, what a hard battle it is. I want to only ever say kind things about others.
Titus 2 says this: “To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.” Discreet is loosely interpreted to mean that she doesn’t air her family’s dirty laundry.
From what I read in this verse, I have to wonder if God considers gossip to be blasphemy.
My heart’s cry is that I my mouth will only be used for good and not evil, and most of all, that I will learn how and when to keep my mouth shut.
Is your battle against gossip as well? I would love to hear if you’ve battled this and been given victory!
Kendra. I absolutely commend you for confessing your sin in such a vulnerable way. It shows also how serious you are about changing. I am totally cheering you on.
My confession is that I am so totally annoyed with women who gossip and I stay miles away from them (but I’m a very quiet persona and so is my husband). I noticed a few years ago that when I would visit with a fairly new friend, after our visit I was acutely aware I may have said something about someone who wasn’t in that room. I actually called her and said, “Did you even realize I said that? I am so ashamed of myself, if I EVER do that again, I don’t care how rude you have to be, you’ve got to stop me.” For whatever reason, I still developed having this “venting” problem with this friend for the next couple years–even when I had nothing to vent about. It’s not an excuse, and I am acutely aware that I have become the woman I avoid. We’re working through boundaries in our relationship right now so that we both will stop. We’re right there beside you…
Blessings,
Thanks Deborah.
Many times my issue isn’t even “venting” but just saying stuff that really didn’t need to be said. That’s where I tend to mess up the most, just going along with the conversation and later realizing that what I added to the conversation was not kind or necessary, even though I may not have said it in an unkind way.
Blessings on your life, as you grow in being aware of gossip. Quite a challenge, a number of years ago, God also brought that to light in my life, His ways are not our ways… He brought it to light by having me be the recipient of the gossip. Oh painful moments… and the change that God can work in our lives, will be a blessing if we allow it to be!
Another good way to work with the situations that come and go…. is finding something good to compliment others… spreading blessings wherever you go…. oh what a blessed difference that makes in life! I have concluded, that really no one wants to hear our complaints, and yes, it does sends folks away from us, because they do not trust that we would say kind things about them..
We are human, and others will do things that do not quite strike us as being the ‘right’ thing, God does not give us the responsibility, to go and set them straight..(We are not their Holy Spirit). When we pray a blessing on them, it releases the pressure of us thinking we need to fix them, as we let that with God.
Blessings to you, as you continue to grow… God is still working on me…. that is a comfort too, as I did not attain perfection yet!
Oh yes, I do always try to be possitive because I know first hand how much of a turn off complainers can be. However, I have this way of saying things in a way that don’t sound like I’m complaining, but at the same time my words are not kind. Sorta like being snarky, you know, saying something funny at the possible expense of others. I just really feel the need to work harder on watching my tongue.
I’m so thankful that when we listen to that convicting Spirit, He gently shows us where we need to change and grow in Him. Going to Jesus with our junk, our hurt feelings, etc. is the absolutely best place to go! I think it’s easy to gossip without even realizing we are doing it. I so dislike sitting with a bunch of gossiping women. And there have probably been times when I’ve gone home and gossiped about that very situation! 🙁 I do think, however, that there are times when we need to be able to share our feelings about a troubling situation or person with someone else so they can help us sort through the feelings, help us carry the load, point us to the truths of Scripture, show us where we may have contributed to the problem, etc. We are told to weep with those who weep and to help carry another’s burden. That’s one reason why we need each other. It’s the motive of my heart I need to keep watch on – am I wanting to be the one that knows everything about everybody or wanting to put someone down because of their beliefs or their actions? Or am I wanting to speak truth and expose darkness, or get help with my own stuff?
God bless you for your desire to change and glorify God, your humble confession, and your encouragement to use our mouths in the right way.
Um yes…. I have done that, talked about how so-and-so annoyed me because they were badmouthing someone else. 🙁
I also agree on the needing someone to go to in certain situations. I’ve actually been praying alot about that, but so far God hasn’t shown me anyone in that catagory so I just keep going to him. I do think it’s important to have mentors in our lives, but it’s possible that God has reasons for not placing them there at times.
Thank you for this article…today precisly I faced a uncomfortable issue and I feel angry and wanted to vent, and was seeking to call my sister. I don’t know if maybe the fear of sounding like I am still venting the same tired issue that for 16yrs has never gone away or can’t ever be resolved stopped me. But Reading this reminded me that the only one that can help me is God. I feel so much dislike and at times hate for this person that I seek like you said a buddy to justify my sin. I just keep asking the Lord to remove the feeling of hate and dislike I feel for the way this person treats me and my loved ones that I honestly don’t know how to ask him. Its been 16yrs that ive battle with the issue of my dislike for this person who forcefully has to be in my life and somedays telling someone helps even tho its wrong. How would I even get started?!
That is a rough situation to be in. I deal with anger and frustration from someone near and dear to me, someone whom I truly love, yet it seems like I really matter little to them.
While my situation is different than yours, maybe we both need the same thing. First of all, perhaps we need to change our attitudes (I know I do) but there is one other thing; I’ve been praying that God would guide me to a mentor. Someone who could hold me accountable to my actions and encourage me to love anyways. While I haven’t received direction in that area yet, neither have I received a direct no. Perhaps this is something you could pray about too.
Thank you Kendra… Its hard because this person is so hard to deal with she is so unlovable and no matter how kindly I treat her she has this horrible jealousy towards me that only makes me angry, because I feel I don’t deserve it and its unjustified. Its frustrating because there is no talking to this individual and I feel angry, so much pent up, words gone unsaid for 16yrs. Never being able to just talk like adults, and working it out, I dread knowing we have to one time or another be in the same space. So I call the person who I can vent, leading me to sin and gossip. We’ve gone 16yrs just ignoring eachother in social gatherings, or acting civil for the sake of others, but yet she finds a way to show me I am insignificant. I feel so much hate for her. I will defiantly take your advice and speak with my Pastor wife she is a great mentor. I think its time, speak to someone who can direct me because its become a issue where I feel, anxious and stressed if I know she will be present. I’ve become paranoid, I am constantly watching my back or thinking what she could be saying about me or plotting against me, its become all thought consuming. And I see it she robbs me of the grace of God, bc she’s more on mind then God and thats worse than anything.
I’m so glad you posted on this topic. I feel that this is an area of my life that God has been trying to help me with.
I am struggling with gossip right now. This article will help me do better I feel.
What a wonderful post! -Marci @ Stone Cottage Adventures
We are the communication age! We have texting, email, twitter, & all the ones I haven’t even kept up with…hash tag this & Google that….did you know the brain thinks 4 x faster than you can talk, so when you are talking someone isn’t really listening but already thinking up what they are going to say. I have fought so hard against this practice only to fall prey to it myself…James 3:8 says no man can control the tongue, a restless evil full of deadly poison!! And earlier in James 1:26 it says if you consider yourself religious yet cannot keep a tight reign on your tongue, your religion is vain and useless! So we are always going to be fighting this battle til the day we die. Paul said he did the things he didn’t want to do and didn’t do the things he wanted to do….
It’s at the very least helpful to hear of other women struggling with similar things! The struggle with gossip is that it becomes such a habit that there isn’t one easy way to give it up. It’s a long, often full of relapses, process, but I also feel inspired by the fact that if I currently love gossip so much, it will mean that much more to God if I overcome it. If gossip is such a major weakness for me, “holding my tongue” as is discussed in James could become my greatest strength. Inspiring words. Thank you for your article!