One thing I have been trying to work on lately is becoming a submissive wife. Not a door mat, or someone who just agrees with everything he says, but submissive.
Becoming a Submissive Wife:
Trust me, I am anything but a doormat. If I disagree with something or someone it is likely that I will walk away or state that we will have to “agree to disagree” because that isn’t my viewpoint at all. In cases where I hold in esteem the person I am disagreeing with I tend to ask them to explain themselves because I cannot understand where they are coming from.
By asking a person to explain why they think “such-and-such”, I am showing that I respect what they have to say. But if I feel myself superior or the other person a bit “loony” I quickly agree to disagree.
So based on what I said above, Jason and I should have any arguments right? The problem is, we do. Lost and lots of them which we sometimes just call “heated discussions”.
You see, I don’t consider Jason “less than me” so I rarely agree to disagree or walk away. Instead, when we disagree on a subject I show him great disrespect by failing to ask him “why?”. Instead I jump on the bandwagon and point out everything that I think is wrong about what he thinks.
Becoming a submissive wife doesn’t mean that I will blindly agree with him on everything. Instead it means that I will show him honor and respect by asking why he thinks that.
I have noticed many times that our conversations will suddenly get heated over silly things. I have learned to step back a little and calmly state that I don’t think we are on the same page, then I ask him to explain himself a little better.
Often when I am telling him something I want to do (homemaking stuff, or decor), he won’t understand what I am saying. We do talk different languages after all. 🙂 As a result he will get the wrong idea and possibly start pointing out why it wouldn’t work. Again, all I have to do is state that I don’t think I am explaining myself right and that I need to try again.
That works wonders and I wish I could remember to do it more often. Just being able to take my feminine emotions out of the equation for a few moments will quickly deescalate an argument.
But I forget too many times. Why? Because I am so caught up in what I think is right, that I forget I could be wrong. So many times our tone of voice sets the stage for a calm discussion or an argument.
To me, becoming a submissive wife means that I will honor and respect his opinions. It doesn’t mean I have to always agree, but it does meant that I give him a chance to fully explain himself before I “pass judgement”.
I want to be a Godly example to others and especially our children by showing my husband respect. I know that if mommy respects daddy, then the children will too.
Becoming a submissive wife does not come natural to me. I am far too opinionated and tend to think far more highly of myself than I should. However, God placed me under the protection of my husband for a reason, and when I disrespect Jason, I also disrespect my creator.
I want to clarify. I do not always agree with Jason, and sometimes after we talk together it may even come out that I am right. I do stand up for myself and my beliefs, but I try hard to respect his and keep an open mind. And the truth is…. much of the time, he is completely correct in what he is saying. Hard pill to swallow at times!
You’re right, submission does NOT mean you’re a doormat. The people who believe that obviously do not understand Biblical submission. How can a marriage succeed if two people are constantly fighting for control?
I also have been known to occasionally STRONGLY give my husband my opinion, lol! I don’t think he’s ever had to doubt where I stood on a subject. 😉 Respectfully giving our opinions and accepting our husband’s leadership is very freeing!
Thanks for hosting today!
Chuckle…. I try to be careful, as my opinions can sometimes over-rule my man’s. However like you, my husband has no doubts on where I stand on certain subjects. 🙂
I loved the honesty and down-to-earth nature of what you shared here. You are totally right that submission is not being a doormat. Honoring our husband is so important. You did a real good job clarifying all that you shared and I hope this will be an encouragement to those who would need it.
Thanks for hosting. Praying for you and your baby.
Thanks Judith. That is my prayer as well. The world so easily skews what the bible tells us, and it’s no wonder that so many christian wives struggle.
I loved this post! This was exact topic at church yesterday and one I needed ti hear. For so many years (without realizing it) I was being disrespectful to my husband when I would approach situations that we had a difference of opinion on. Now after 20 years of being together, I’m finally starting to change how I approach him…to be submissive, definitely not a doormat, but obeying what we as wives are instructed to do.
Thanks for the great post. This is an area I struggle with, but it is easier when I remember that it is a picture of the church’s relationship to Christ. Thanks for hosting & God bless!
Kendra sometimes pregnancy does it too ;).
But you’re right,I think we consider our husbands so much our own,we use tones on them which we normally wouldn’t do on others.
Just this other day I was telling my husband the same,we really have to tone down our arguments,we have a little ear in our midst.And children are truly like magnets.
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True about the kids 🙂
My parents argued in front of us and behind closed doors. We always felt the tension from it and it definitely affected how we reacted. So when I got married, it was in my head that I would never argue with my husband in front of others. However, he was not of that opinion and more frustrations and arguments ensued.
Finally it occurred to me why we felt the tension and why it bothered us so much. They argued in front of us, but never made up in front of us. It’s possible that they argued and never really made up at all.
So out of all of that I realized that the most important thing was to always make up and apologize once we “cooled off”. I’m not the only one to apologize anymore either. Now we both do. This way our kids will yes, know we argue, but they can also still see that we love and care about each other.
This was a great post. I think we all need this reminder from time to time. I was happy to have the opportunity to read this. My question for you is, you say that you always ask your husband “why” out of respect. I completely agree, but what do you do when you disagree with his reason why! This is where i struggle. I am always open to hearing my husband out, I want to understand his “why”. The trouble is, I don’t always agree with his reasoning! 😉 Thus, the argument ensues.
Thank-you again for your encouragement!
Hehe! I don’t always agree with Jason’s reasoning either. Ultimately though, we are to respect our husbands. So once the subject has been discussed and you two still cannot agree, then as long as it’s not directly sinning against God, you are expected to submit to what he asks.
But you are his helpmeet, so respectfully offering your thoughts on a subject is a part of being his wife.
idk if that all makes sense or not, kinda hard to explain it all. 🙂
I very much struggle with being a submissive wife. I think a lot of women do. I have a friend who is naturally submissive – she just lets her husband take the lead and is very meek, but also has a strong head on her shoulders – and I admire that greatly! The Lord sure has brought me a long way from what I was a year or two ago. Blessings to you!
You are right, Godly submission is so important. The world just simply doesn’t understand it, and even Christians misinterpret it. Respect is such a key thing. You are right. Even so, it’s difficult. After 18 years of marriage, we are still a work in progress. It might be work, but it’s worth it. I’ve been on a quest as of late to comprehend and understand just how God designed the role of wife and how I need to work on living it out. I’ve been doing a great study with my women’s Bible group and just finished reading a great new book that aligns with what you are saying. It’s called”The Wholehearted Wife: 10 Keys to a More Loving Relationship,” by Erin, Greg and Gary Smalley. It’s Biblical, challenging and affirming. Fresh in my mind is one of my favorite quotes, “When we turn to God for help, he fills us with his love and enables us to see ourselves and our husbands through his eyes. Keep in mind that a wholehearted wife focuses first on her own heart!” I highly recommend it! http://www.tyndale.com/The-Wholehearted-Wife/9781624051463#.U6upS14Q7wI
That sounds like a great book to read! I need to add it to my reading list.
How do you submit to your husband when he is emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive? How do you submit to your husband to win him by your actions when he is telling you he wants a divorce and no longer loves you but tells you how badly you’ve hurt him? He also makes comments that I am “not submitting” but he also doesn’t love me as Christ loved the church. thoughts?
Hi Angela, the submission I’m referring to in this post is honoring your husband as the church honors Christ and you are correct in that it is a two way street.
I cannot give you advice here. Your situation is not one I have ever been directly involved in and therefore my my thoughts are just my thoughts and not any sort of advice.
I know of two different ladies who both were and are in a situation similar to yours. Neither were faultless, but I don’t envy their situations. They don’t believe in divorce but rather that marriage is for life.
When the 1st husband asked for a divorce his wife said “no”. After much prayer, she went back to him and said she would give him the divorce, but in the eyes of God, and in her eyes, she would always be his wife. Less than a month before the divorce went through, this husband was convicted of his wrongs and dropped it. God worked in his heart and brought him to salvation.
The 2nd husband is still fighting God, claiming to be a Christian and is a sad hypocrite. Speaking evil about his wife and making it look to the church as though she is at fault. She isn’t blameless, but she is trying to be a good wife.
Your situation sounds no different. I will be praying for you and also praying that you are able to find a mentor/counselor to biblically guide you through this.
Being submissive is beautiful. But I think there’s so much talk about wives being submissive and little or nothing about husband’s loving their wives and it’s really frustrating. It’s not easy to submit when one’s opionions and feelings are disregarded. It hurts a lot.
I definitely hear you there… However, we cannot change who we married. So it’s good to be content and learn how to bloom even when it’s hard.
I love what you wrote here. My problem is that when I ask questions to try to get an understanding of what my husband is trying to say he gets upset and says that I don’t respect him because I won’t just accept whatever he has to say blindly. What kind of things do you say to reassure him that you aren’t trying to start a fight.
So… There’s a difference between your husband just feeling like you’re arguing with him, and toxic fragile masculinity. I’m hoping for your sake, it’s the first.
Jason used to get pretty upset until I learned to speak his language so to say, and he has also learned mine to an extent.
But phrases like, “I’m not following what you’re saying, can you explain it a little differently?” or if your relationship is a lighthearted one you can laugh a little and say “they weren’t wrong when they say men and women communicate differently, are you saying xyz (repeat back what you think he’s saying)?” Or even to just say, “as your wife, I want to stand behind your choices 100% but I’m not totally understanding. Can you help me understand better?”
Unless a man is truly humble and following God, it often seems they are super offended and affronted when their wives ask questions. This honestly isn’t okay or biblical. Society hasn’t made any of this easier either. At any rate, blindly accepting what he’s saying isn’t respect or submission because both of those are a choice. If he’s insisting you do so for the sake of him, that’s not a choice.
Hopefully I’m making sense. You managed to find a very old post of mine and it’s rife with spelling and grammatical mistakes. Just one more thing I need to work on editing and fixing lol