As a newly wed I often asked myself “does he care about me at all?”. I mean, I was all gung-ho for this thing. Reading all the marriage books and learning everything I could towards becoming a good wife.
I must have succeeded in pleasing him, because he seemed pretty happy, cared for and well fed. 😉 But I was frustrated. Because here I am, doing everything in my power to please him, and he doesn’t seem to care one stitch about me.
I didn’t want to be One of Those wives; you know, the ones who wear the pants in the family, the ones who whine and nag and are never happy. But in all honesty, I wasn’t happy.
Two weeks ago my post was titled Little Ways to Make His Day. As usual, I read through the post and tried to read it from a reader’s perspective and not the writer’s. While I’m reading it though I have a flash back to that first year or so where I was always asking “does he care about me?”. In that mind frame, I suddenly think, “why should I even try to make his day any more? He doesn’t care at all about me!”
Today’s post is how that changed.
Now I am not referring to the husband who is abusive. I am talking about a situation where it seems like you got married and suddenly the honeymoon is over.
Looking back now, I can see a lot of things that contributed to my attitude of feeling like he didn’t care about me.
#1. I knew what kind of wife I needed to be. Problem is, I also (thought) I knew what kind of husband Jason needed to be.
#2 I expected him to love me the way I was loving him.
#3 I’m a planner and get-it-done-er. Jason waits until the last minute.
The first time I remember thinking “does he care about me?” was our first Christmas together. I was watching him and paying attention. I knew the things he needed and wanted and was excitedly finding the best deals on everything we could afford for him. He, on the other hand seemed clueless. I was dropping all sorts of hints and asking him when he was going to go shopping for me. He finally went. And bought something. And I liked it. But it was such a bummer because I felt like he didn’t want to buy me a present.
Just things like that. I wanted one thing from him, he was something else. I would talk to him until I was blue in the face. Tell him about my needs and ask what I could do better. Somehow I equated him being a “bad” husband to me being a bad wife. He thought I was wonderful, I was everything he ever dreamed. So I would ask why he didn’t love me. Poor guy, he sure was confused at times, because he did love me and couldn’t figure out why I thought he didn’t!
I wish I could give some sort of magic solution to other young wives who find themselves where I was. But I can’t really. I didn’t really do anything that changed the situation except give up.
I really gave up. In my head I figured he would never be the kind of husband I thought he would be and accepted the fact that he wasn’t changing.
But here could very well be the answer:
Once I stopped seeing everything he was not, I began to see everything he was. Turns out, I have a pretty great husband after all! <-Tweet it!
No, he’s not the husband I wanted him to be at first, but he is way better! And Christmas time? Well, I always let him know when we are going to my mom’s to celebrate Christmas (we exchange our gifts there) and then laugh up my sleeve as he procrastinates and waits until the night before we leave and then heads off in a great sweat to buy me a gift!
So to you young wives who are asking “does he care about me?” I will tell you that the answer is yes. But chances are, he isn’t going to care about you the way you care about him. Let go of who you want him to be and start focusing on who he is.
For more reading on this subject, check out The Five Love Languages on Amazon. (affiliate link)