Should married couples take breaks? That is my question for today. I would love some honest (and kind) input from my readers.
A friend of mine recently told me she and her boyfriend were taking a break. Her exact words to me were “if he has to live without me for a week, maybe he will start treating me better”. Having been together with the two of them in the past, I gently asked her about how she treated him. She was unable to see her part in the deal so I chose to drop the subject. After the week was up, they got back together, but 3 weeks later they broke up.
I’m not against dating, but I firmly believe how you date, sets the standard for marriage. While apparently my friend and her boyfriend weren’t meant to be together, what about marriage? In a marriage where no one is being physically hurt or abused, if there is trouble, should married couples take breaks?
Some friends of ours were having trouble in their marriage, (can I just say, if you are married, you will have troubles sometimes) and they “took a break”. She moved out, and was briefly with another guy. Now, she would like to come back, but he now treats her as if she doesn’t exist and is with another girl.
Should married couples take breaks?
- “If we take a break, then maybe he/she will realize they cannot survive without me”
- “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”
- “I just don’t feel in love with him right now and maybe we should take a break to decide what to do”
Or, should they stand on the sacred ground of marriage and fight for it?
- Married couples will have problems.
- No one said you will always feel “in love” with each other.
- By taking a break, you are opening the door to infidelity.
So, what is your opinion? Should married couples take breaks? I would love to hear you thoughts.
On to matrimonial Monday, share any of your inspiring posts on being a Godly wife.
Sharing here: Inspire Me Monday, The Better Mom
While I do think occasionally absence makes the heart grow fonder, no I don’t think you should ever take a break from your marriage. In 15 years of marriage I’ve hardly ever been separated from my husband. This last February I was able to take a trip with OCC to Peru without my family and it was a wonderful refreshing time.
I think the answer’s no. Being faithful to our commitment to “love honor and…” matters. It’s not ok to shrug and give up for a while. A lot of marriage problems can be solved by some patient waiting, deep repentance (on both parts as you saw with your friend!) and honest prayer. None of those require a week “off”.
In opinion no, married couples should not take breaks. You can rest, recharge, and recommit to each other without leaving each other.
Definitely no breaks — separation brings wounds that people will try to heal in questionable ways.
As your example shows, one or both of the couple may not fully comprehend the other’s motive in taking the break. That invites the heart to wander in many people, not focusing on how to improve the relationship, but looking for relief in someone new who does not share the emotional baggage of the marriage.
Biblically, it’s not sound. What God joins together, let no man put asunder. Neither half of a couple should take action to divide a marriage, and taking a “break” does just that.
I have been married for two years and three months and my husband wants a break. we have been under a lot of stress for the past 8 month, money, ex wife, and nothing seems to go right! it’s taken a toll on both of us. I haven’t been a good wife I know. I’m not supportive, I don’t have any optimism left in me, and a lot of the fights I start because I’m so frustrated. he sometimes gets drunk and angry and says a lot of hurtful things that are hard to forget. he wants his ex wife’s company because “it’s different” that in itself hurts. the break he wants scares me I don’t think he would cheat on me but just the thought of his ex hanging around the house feels like betrayal enough. please I need advise. (I’m trying to change but it won’t happen overnight and he doesn’t get that)
I don’t know your full situation, nor do I know just how to properly answer this. I do know of a situation where the husband wanted a divorce and the wife felt it wrong and said no. After much prayer though, she told her husband this: I will sign your papers. Not because I want to, but because I vowed to honor and obey you. So I will sign. But in the eyes of God, I will always be your wife.
In the end, the husband dropped the divorce and God has, and still is working a miracle in their marriage.
I’ve prayed for my heart to change! I’ve cried many tears, wanting God to open my heart to my spouse. All I wanted to feel was stability in my relationship from within me. I feel like I’m constantly fighting myself and feeling guilty if it’s not there. It felt like I did not desire closeness or unity and had to go to God to get it. I felt shame over this whole thing, that I did think a break could solve this issue. I suffered a emotionally because I could not make myself feel these expected feelings a loving wife should have. I tried to stand on the scripture about what God joined together, but could not understand why my heart was not with my husband- resulting in this burden.
My plants get a lot of exercise. They’re watered and they perk up – and then I don’t water them for a while and they droop. But you know what also happens with the water/no water system? My plants don’t grow. Or they simply die.
Our marriages need to be growing – or they’re dying. Some marriages die a slow death because no effort is made to nourish and enrich the relationship. But by taking a “break” a couple will be starving their marriage. Completely depriving it from any sustenance.
I’m not talking a time where the couple is physically not together – like with a deployment or business trip. It’s still possible to enrich and feed a marriage through a physical time apart. To me, this “break” you’re speaking of is both mental and physical.
Bottom line? In my opinion, by moving away from your spouse in heart, mind and space, you’re asking for the marriage to die.
Just my opinion…
Wonderful analogy!
I see so many things wrong in the examples given. First, marriage is between one man and one woman. You stated that your married friends separated and in that time she was with another man. Then she returned and he is with another woman. Should a married couple separate? In Matthew 19 Jesus answers that ‘no man shall put asunder.’ So the answer would be no. Jesus also said, ‘the two shall be one flesh.’ adding in another man or woman does not honor God.
That being said, married couples occassionally must be absent from one another. Perhaps for work reasons, or family reasons. Then I think that the absence can cause a desire to be together once again creating a greater bond.
But I dont’ think that is the question posed. I think you are asking about separation as in a time when the couple are willfully living lives apart, and I fully believe this is wrong. It does not honor God who designed and created marriage in the first place. It creates not only a physical separation but a separation of heart. It can not lead to good. We should hold our marriages with high regard and treat it as we would the most delicate piece of china, with care, love as a precious gift from God.
Hi Renee,
Thank you for your post. I find myself in a similar situation, where I feel like I should take a break from my marriage (been married for 10 years and and 6 months). If I understand correctly, in any case scenario or whatever the motives are; I should not think about taking a break. I am talking about years of cheating, over and over. Please advice.
Guerda
I would have always said no to that question. However, I’m currently observing someone who is having a break and they are now communicating better now than when they were together.
I don’t think this question can be answered with a flat no or a yes. One should be fearful of taking too many breaks. Spending time bonding together is the most beneficial to a marriage.
I too would’ve just said a flat no. But a fan on Facebook just mentioned 1 Cor 7 where Paul exhorts couples to take a break only for a time of prayer and fasting. To me, that seems to be a wonderful and wise way to resolve conflict.
I do agree that Paul, in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, instructs couples to abstain from the intimate sexual act but only for a time and for the purpose of prayer and fasting. I do not see where Paul is saying to live apart for the willful purpose of taking a break from marriage. The two are quite different. Again, these times are for the purpose of drawing closer to God not to draw away from one another.
If a couple agrees on “a break”, to me that means NO DATING other people.
Taking a break from seeing each other every day, or talk or text everyday. To learn what they really have.
And prayer time to learn and see how to make the marriage work, not to enjoy the single life.
If a couple is really sees problems in the marriage, then they will take it serioulsy on solving it, not bringing more problems.
Hey Kendra, very thought provoking question. I’ve been hearing a lot of stories lately about married couples taking breaks, some get back together, some don’t. Since Paul and I are pretty passionate about helping and encouraging other young married couples, I figured it was something I should think about, and try to form an opinion on…
Here is my take. No. Married couples should not take “breaks.” There are a host of social/society reasons why to argue for or against it, but here is my main point- Taking a break from marriage, and living apart for a time, opens up, makes room for, and increases temptation to break the marriage vows and “move on.” Personally, I feel like whether you are Christian (who believes breaking your vows, without biblical cause, is a sin,) or you are secular, it is wrong to make a lifelong promise/commitment to someone, and then walk away. So thats the main reason I would say no, taking breaks is not okay, or wise, for married couples, especially if it is later used to justify sin…
And backing away from such a heavy topic. I hope you are well, and enjoying life (and juicing, lol!!) 🙂
I would have to say no breaks like breaks when dating! If there are circumstances that are straining the marriage and some time apart for prayer and sorting things out is helpful – maybe! But it should be understood that there be no other ‘dating’ going on with someone else. I’d have to say for the most part I’d always say NO to taking a break but I also can see that in some cases maybe it’s a good thing?
No Kendra, I don’t think married couples should “take breaks”. If there is something going on in the marriage, and you “take a break” from each other, I suspect what would happen is that break just might be a little too refreshing, if ya’ know what I’m sayin’! Then it would become all too easy to see yourself as a single person again. My husband and I have had some challenging times, and if we had “taken a break”, I don’t know if it would have been much fun coming back from our “break” and working on our marraiage.
IMO, except in the case of abuse or say, on spouse being in the military, married couples should be together and stay together. You can’t work through a problem by walking away from it.
Refining is the last step in the production of gold from ore. It’s been through a lot already, but it is not perfect yet. They add a couple of chemicals and a LOT of fire/heat to melt it. The chemicals take out the remaining impurities. Then you have pure (24K) gold. Most often, 24K gold is too soft (too pure?) to be of much use, so other metals are mixed to it to add strength and enable the making of say, wedding rings.
What happens if someone does not add the right amount of chemicals, or heat the furnace hot enough, or worse still, just walks away?
I love the example of refining. That is certainly what marriage does to us. And how beautiful it is when we can see glimpses of the future results!
I believe that “breaks” may do just that — lead to breaking up of the relationship and breaking the marriage vows. Only with Christ at the head of the marriage can differences be resolved in deference to Him. Thanks for the great post & for hosting, & God bless!
Very true, “break” applied either way, is still a break.
Honestly to answer your question, I do not believe a married couple should ever “take a break” from each other in the sense your meaning. I do believe that time apart like a girlfriends trip is great, and for example my husband loves backpacking, its not my thing, but he goes once a year for a week and it does help us out in our marriage because it takes away the stress of everyday life. I also believe that when your marriage is feeling stressed you should make it a point to rejuvenate together for a weekend either at a nice hotel or a cabin, or a house on the beach…being together for time away from your everyday life and struggles is a great way to reconnect within your marriage. If couples “take a break” that is just another door for satan to come in and tear away at them…that sort of taking a break is not biblical either…It just not good all around…
Hello, I just felt led to comment, I must say that when I find myself wanting…
It is because I have turned inward. I have discovered long ago, the only break a husband and wife NEED apart is their alone time with God in prayer and recollection of who He is and what their marriage is suppose to function as.
We all need times of refreshment, but most the breaks others are refering too, are self serving and not self reflection as asking (what is really going on here?) I need Him and I am really under protection by staying close to my husband. Hope this is uplifting and honest enough! 🙂
Blessings, Roxy
Good point, if the “break” is an excuse to please the flesh, then it is not healthy for a relationship.
As a military wife, my husband and I have spent more time apart than your average couple. While it’s not an ideal situation and not one I’d reccommend, my husband and I have grown as a couple during our “breaks.” But we’re not seeing other people which is different from the examples you gave, and we use the time apart to still talk to each other. We talk on Skype as often as possible, and we email back in forth which leaves us choosing our words more carefully.
Yes those breaks cannot be helped (and can I say thank you for your sacrifice there?) but it is possible to grow through them.
The entire concept of a “break” is deceitful. When a husband or wife want a “break”, it usually means they want out but want to test the waters first.Your example of the married couple illustrates this beautifully.”she moved out, and was briefly with another guy.”-testing the waters,thinking she could always come back if it didn’t work out. In the process she broke her wedding vows and committed the only sin that God considers justification for divorce!
Deceit and the father of lies, they go hand in hand don’t they?
First of all, we shouldn’t go by our own opinion, but we must read our Bibles, and see what it has to tell us. NO WHERE do I read about “taking breaks”. I do read about a man leaving his father and mother and CLEAVING to his wife, “Till death do us part”. This also means that a wife must cleave to her husband.
I love the fact that you immediately point to God’s word on this subject. Thanks for stopping by and adding to the discussion!
wow-I didn’t view “taking a break” like finding someone else to date-My view point is that it’s okay for a couple to spend time apart, but with the intention of getting back together-not with someone else. That being said, it should be mutual inward reflection, not “he’ll miss me, so he’ll treat me good for a few weeks when I return” 😉
I think marriage takes work. You have to be together to do the work together. “Taking a break” in marriage is not an option for us. I think it opens the doors for too many things that would not benefit the restoration of a marriage.
I don’t think taking a break is a good idea unless you are dating. I know lots of couples who broke up and got back together and are happily married. I once read a poem in college and it was called, “Abscence Makes the Heart Grow Henry” about how abscence makes people find other people. Interesting question.
It depends on what a person means by taking a break. I don’t think telling your significant other (whether it be a spouse or someone you are dating) that you want a break is good for a relationship (of course I realize with life there shouldn’t be absolutes). The reason why is that it will cause trust issues and hurt feelings, which will not be forgotten later when you “get back together”. If you think your partner is not treating you well , communication is the key- not separation. There is one way that a break can be ok though. I actually have done it before. If you are having a disagreement or one of the people in the relationship is just not getting what the issue is, I think taking a break to cool off from anger and let them have space to realize some things can be good. Like I said, I would never call it an official break or tell the person that, but what I mean by break is taking a breather to reflect and do your own thing for a day or two without pushing the issue,or trying to text or talk it out if you aren’t getting somewhere. Sometimes people need space and quiet time to think and appreciate what they have or see where they have gone wrong. Then I would suggest coming together and communicating -talking about your feelings with each other, your needs, etc. Telling each other the things you love or appreciate about them and then focusing on those things in moving forward. I think all couples need some independence and space away from each other instead of doing everything as one. In the form of like doing some hobbies or having girl/ guy time with friends or something though. Taking official breaks just can lead to infidelity and other negative things mentioned in your post.
No. As someone else pointed out, its not in God’s plan. We are to treat our marriage the same as Christ treats the Church. Where is our foundation? I can’t imagine ever taking a “break” from my husband. When we got married we signed up for better or worse and that means we don’t take breaks when the going gets tough.
I don’t think so. I think that makes marriage seem less sacred than it really is, if it’s something we can just step away from.
Though I think maybe a weekend here and there where one spouse is off doing something else can be good- maybe that’s just semantics b/c you could see that as a break…
I do know my husband appreciates me more after I’ve been away for a few days for work and I feel the same about him. But it’s a different feel than saying “we’re taking a break from each other” rather than “I have to go away on a business trip and I’ll miss you.”
So what if the husband has decided to take a break but the wife does not want that. He moves out but she decides to work on herself in that time. Is there a point where she should be done with it? How long do you wait while your spouse takes the break?
Hmmm, good question. Here’s another: Is marriage for life?
I’ll try to make this brief, but I do know where you are coming from. I saw it first hand.
My dad left, cheated on my mom and then filed for a divorce. At first mom said she wasn’t signing, end of discussion.
But she prayed about it and asked for God’s direction. Later she went to my dad and told him this; She would sign the papers,
he was her husband and she was called to obey him. Signing the papers would not be a sin in God’s eyes, but she would always, be his wife.
Marriage is for life. So she said she would sign them, but that only meant according to the law, that they were divorced. He didn’t like that, but at least she would sign the papers.
Mom remained faithful to him and in every way she strove to honor him. In the end, 2 weeks before the divorce was to be finalized. He dropped the case. They still have issues to work out, but they are back together. My dad found the Lord and has turned his back on his past.
I guess to answer your question, you wait for as long as it takes. Don’t forget, there is always improvement for self.
~blessings!
I truly need help. My wife and I have been married little over a month. Now she wants to take a break. She moved to a new city new place everything for me. I have been there for her and remind her always how in love I am. But sadly she is unhappy. She hardly wants to talk about it, to the point I had to pry to get some sort of answer. Now she threatens our marriage by leaving me if I bring it up again. I need help I am so broken.
Marriage, especially those first months and year or so is very hard. An moving to a new area is a huge struggle.
I’m poorly equipped to answer your question and hesitate to make any suggestions at all. Here are a few thoughts that come strongly to me though…
First, if she doesn’t want to talk about it, then let it go. Let her know you are there for her if she wants to talk.
Secondly, is it possible for you and her to go back to where she is from for a bit? Maybe being in a place where she is comfortable would help?
Finally, seek the Lord in this matter, ask him to direct you to a Christian fellowship (if you don’t have you) and Christian counselor.
I wish I had the answers for you, I wish I could just give you the perfect formula and magically fix this. But that’s not how God works. However, I believe with all my heart, that when even one spouse seeks God’s will and follows after the heart of God; the marriage will see redemption.
My wife has a habit of throwing a fit over every small inconvenience, and it’s driving me insane. I have poured hours of prayer into asking God to help her, and into asking God to direct me in being the husband He wants me to be. I’ve had gentle talks with her about her attitude, and we’ve also had intense arguments about it. She ends up admitting at the end, “Yeah, I know my attitiude is bad, and that it’s bad for our marriage. Im working on it with the Lord. Can you forgive me?”
It’s been 3 years now, with no change. No progress. Most of the comments i hear from her each day are conplaints and whining. And I’m doing all i can. I work, i help her clean, i fix all the things that need fixing, i take her on dates and spend LOTS of time with her, yet she remains what God’s word calls “a continual dripping”. I love my wife, but I hate living like this.
I’ve considered suicide, and that’s often a daily consideration. After doing all i can do, after pleading with my wife, and after just giving up and saying, “Lord, she’s yours. If you chasten the ones You love, do so for her”, nothing has changed. She remains the same. Her default mode is whining about literally ANYTHING that she finds an opportunity for. This isn’t an exaggeration; she spends hours each day complaining.
Other than killing myself, the only other escape I can “hope” for is that she will cheat on me, at least giving me some legit reason to leave.
It surprised me at first to hope for something so awful. I mean, I love my wife and I just want a good relationship with her. I would hate it if she looked to someone else for love, but that’s really the only option I have for escaping her depressing, discouraging, destructive attitude.
I don’t believe in breaks, and I’ve gone a long time to just love her like Christ loves the church. But nothing has improved, and our marriage (and my existence) seems not worth maintaining or pursuing anymore.