Childbirth. A beautiful and terrible act.
For pain and suffering to go hand in hand with bliss and rejoicing is nothing short of a miracle and that, of course, is exactly what birth is.
For pain and suffering to go hand in hand with bliss and rejoicing is nothing short of a miracle and that, of course, is exactly what birth is.Click To TweetWe just welcomed our third son into the family and while I’ve not made time for blogging since the first of this year, writing is how I come to terms with things and so I’m writing again. Writing and sharing the birth story of our little Andre Jean.
Any woman who has given birth in situations less than what they desired will understand the feelings of loss. Sure, they have a healthy baby and that truly is what matters most, but losing your ideal birth is also a real loss and there is no shame in mourning it.
ICP (Intrahepatic Cholestasis of Pregnancy) has been my lot since our first.
Extreme fatigue, anemia, itching on hands, feet, and even all over, are things the momma deals with. Risks include increased chance of hemorrhaging at birth and increased risk of stillbirth.
Treatment is medication and early induction.
Instead of being pregnant for 40 to 42 weeks like I expected to be (like my mom was) I’m going into the hospital at 37 weeks, with a body not nearly ready for labor but needing induced for the safety of my baby.
I honestly thought I was okay with it this time. After all, it wasn’t my first rodeo. They had us coming in Thursday evening to start induction and knowing how things have went in the past I anticipated (and correctly so) a Sunday baby.
I truly appreciate the nurses and midwives at the hospital we go to. They are kind and considerate, focusing on momma’s welfare as well as baby’s. As a result, the inductions are as “gentle” as an induction can be.
My Inductions are Slow.
The first 26 hours I’m in the hospital (yes you read that right) they have me on cervical ripeners. This time is a bit boring, but I used it to continue my stretches and the spinning babies techniques I had learned in my desire to avoid back labor this time. As I learned with my second child, back labor while on Pitocin is miserable. I also managed to finish crocheting a baby blanket I had started while pregnant with my first!
This brings us to Friday night when they put in a Foley bulb to force dilation of the cervix. When the bulb comes out during the dark hours of Saturday morning we knew I was at 4 cm dilated. But the contractions that were strong and steady with the bulb in, die down to nearly nothing by 6 or 7 am Saturday morning so we start the Pit.
Walking, resting, changing positions. The nurses and the midwife are certain that Saturday is the day. I’m not so certain.
The Pit is very slowly increased throughout the day and by 7pm Sat eve I ask my doula to come in. At this point I think I may escape back labor but no matter what position I am in, after about 20-30 minutes the contractions move from my stomach to my back, so I change positions again.
Went to the hallway around 9 or 10p and walked I think close to an hour. The contractions were hard and decently regular, but it felt better to walk through them than to stop so that’s what I did.
Back to the room for rest and my midwife makes sure the pool is filled with air as she expects a baby soon. In spite of regular hard contractions, I’m not sure. I’m still talking between the contractions and while in pain, I’m certainly not in enough pain to be close to giving birth.
During this time I was dealing with some serious restless leg syndrome. In fact, they were so annoying and antsy during contractions, that for a time I didn’t even notice the contractions but rather focused on keeping my legs still. In fact, just remembering it, has my legs dancing again!
Slowly Getting There
Now time starts to blur, we walked in the hallways again, but this time was much harder to walk during contractions and I was wearing out. Back to the room and back in bed with position changes every 20 to 30 minutes. Definitely relying on Jason and my doula for more and more support.
They gave me a pill for the pain that was supposed to last around 2 hours and give me a little break and perhaps a small nap. It did give me a break and a short nap but only lasted around 1 hour instead of the promised 2.
It was getting hard and I was still having the odd contraction in my back here and there. I was also feeling more emotional and close to tears. This whole process takes so long and deep inside I was a little worried about my baby. He felt small. He always had felt small in the womb compared to my memory of the other two. I always measured right, but he just felt small.
Definitely getting closer to time as my tears were near the surface and I was hoping, hoping that the next time they checked me I would be dilated enough to get into the pool. I was needing relief and soon.
Finally, they gave me the okay to get into the pool. I slid into the warm water and waited for the expected relief. With my other 2 the pool had been my lifesaver, a natural type of epidural.
This time though, the pool broke me.
It psychologically broke me. There was no relief. None. The contractions were coming harder and faster and they were both back and front, which I didn’t believe anything could be worse than straight back labor and I was wrong. This was far worse.
In spite of my dear hubby’s support and the doula’s coaching, I was losing control and fast. I asked them to break my water, hoping things would progress a little faster.
*Jason told me this little bit. After breaking my water, the midwife and nurse stepped away for a bit and Jason heard them talking in a low tone, something about presenting funny.
Now the pain has become so great that I’m panicking. My body has betrayed me, it threatens the life of the child I’m bearing and I cannot handle the pain of induction any longer. I ask for an epidural, Tylenol, anything. I don’t care anymore, just get me out of this body of pain.
No quiet moans, no breathing through the pain, I’m roaring, tried pounding the walls, writhing. I ask the midwife if she can turn off the Pit as I’m certain it’s going to kill me. She kindly tells me that I was only at 7 cm when she broke my water.
Only a 7?! I nearly lost it all over again when suddenly my pain fogged brain registered what she said. She had broke my water less than an hour ago and I was at a 7 then. Knowing how fast I go from 6 to 10 I realized I could be nearly there.
While not feeling the need to push, I started gently trying to bear down, and it worked! (probably the pain blocked the normal “pushy” feeling) Slowly and carefully I pushed hoping to avoid the tearing and rebreaking of my tailbone that happened with my other 2.
The “ring of fire” and then I felt something slide out. I said the head was out and they didn’t believe me. Certain I had felt something I reached down and felt “something” it wasn’t smooth and round like a head though. Jason looked down and then realized he was seeing and arm!
A Perfect Baby Boy
Andre was born with at least 1 arm by his face. Possibly he had both armsfists up there as what I felt seemed lumpy enough for it. The photo below shows where his arm was in the birth canal, as the vernix is rubbed off there.
The arm(s) by his face explained a lot. The odd back contraction, the horrible pains right at the end and… within 15 minutes of being born, he had fingers in his mouth!
Born Sunday morning at 6:36. He was definitely my smallest baby at 6 pounds, 9 ounces, but not near as small as I feared. Sweet and absolutely perfect. Good apgar scores and no need for any nicu time at all. Such a blessing that none of my early babies have needed medical help.
My recovery this time has been amazing. Because my pushing was controlled, there was no tearing, and my tailbone did not break.
Yet, there’s mental pain left behind.
That’s where I mourn. I sorrow the realization that at this point I will probably always have ICP, always need induced and always have horrible labors.
Do I want to do this again? I always did before, but now, I’m not sure. Now I know a pool doesn’t always offer relief. Now I know that I can do everything in the world to get baby into position for labor and yet still have him present wrong.
It hurts. Will I even try again to have a birth without pain meds? I don’t know. At this point, the fear of losing control again, is greater than my fear of a needle stuck in my back.
They say time erases the pain of childbirth, but I’m not so sure. I remembered the others, and did everything I could to make this time easier and yet in many ways, it was far worse.
So I ask you, fellow momma’s who’ve lost their ideal birth; who tried to do everything right, but still ended up with things going wrong. Do you mourn that loss in spite of a healthy baby?
Suzanne G. McClendon says
October 4, 2018 at 2:06 pm{{{Hugs}}} Your birth story brought me to tears. I am sorry that you had such an awful time. I am thankful that your baby is fine and that you will be, in spite of this condition that you have. I am very glad your tailbone wasn’t rebroken. I fell and broke mine a couple of years ago and I think this pain will be with me forever.
My last two babies were in non-ideal positions, but Praise the Lord! moved into proper position in time…one literally just hours before she was born. You’re in my prayers for a healthy, pain-free recovery.
Kendra says
October 5, 2018 at 5:21 pmThanks! I have recovered so well which takes from the edge of such an unpleasant delivery for sure.
Emma says
October 4, 2018 at 4:55 pmMy last baby caught me off guard! The previous one was very short and easy, but my last one was the second longest and one of the most painful; the baby simply didn’t want to move down. It was worth it in the end, though. By the way, as far as I know your cousin Karlyn has the same condition you do. From what I heard, though, her recent pregnancy was nearly, if not totally, symptom-free, possibly because of what she’s doing for her thyroid. You might want to talk to her sometime.
Kendra says
October 5, 2018 at 5:20 pmVery interesting! Malachi’s pregnancy was nearly symptom free. My numbers stayed in the low risk area, and the drs had me induced as a simple precaution.
3 months before I got pregnant with Andre my liver was testing very strong and most of my other organs were too. Yet ICP showed up with high numbers at just 16 weeks this time. I’ve reached the opinion that nothing I do or don’t do helps. I still believe prayer can help though!
Cheryl says
October 4, 2018 at 5:11 pmIt was SO nice to see a post from you today! Thank you for sharing your heart with us and allowing us to experience the full gamut with you. My husband and I were infertile for many years, and after many years of trying and struggling with infertility, God opened my barren womb for one moment in time, and after a very risky, difficult pregnancy, he sent us our precious baby boy! I was planning to deliver him in a birthing center with just midwives present, but that was not to be. Toward the end and with further complications, we found out they would not allow us to deliver there and we would have to have a hospital birth. While it was a disappointment, and that disappointment deserved validation, God brought us safely through, and He gave us a beautiful, perfect baby boy. We are SO thankful for him, and I praise God every day to be his Mama. We have many friends who are infertile and still struggling with all their might, and no matter what they do, they cannot conceive, so we feel so abundantly blessed by God and so very thankful. My heart goes out to all of the couples who are infertile because I have walked that road and know how painful and hard it can be. So thankful God has blessed you and your husband with three precious perfect baby boys. Enjoy every moment ~ as you already know they grow up so fast! Our dear boy is now 17 years old, and we recently started our senior year of homeschooling. God is so good!
Kendra says
October 5, 2018 at 5:16 pmEach child is SUCH a blessing, no matter how they come 🙂 I’m so thankful with you that you know the joys of motherhood. There are friends I’ve prayed for for many years and 1 of them now has her second child and 2 of them are currently expecting! My heart was full of praises hearing their good news!
Carol says
October 4, 2018 at 5:25 pmSo sorry you had such a difficult time, the Lord saw you through and he’s beautiful! A beautiful family. The boys must be so happy to be “big brothers”😊 Many blessings to y’all🙏 Carol from NYS
Kendra says
October 5, 2018 at 5:14 pmYes he did 🙂 Praise him for that!
And oh my goodness, the boys beg to hold Andre all the time!
Regina Shea says
October 4, 2018 at 6:38 pmI had to have c-sections with all my births. I wanted to have natural births but though I didn’t get the births I dreamed of my girls were all healthy.
I’m glad to see a post here again. It’s been awhile.
Kendra says
October 5, 2018 at 5:13 pmIt has been! The past year has honestly been so crazy. I’ve so many topics written down that I want to share, just haven’t had time to write them out. Or I haven’t made time… Not sure which lol
Regina Shea says
October 6, 2018 at 7:30 pmOh and congratulations on your new baby boy!
Erica says
October 6, 2018 at 3:21 amI’ve had one birth. I had an epidural, which they let wear of so I could push. The pain was so bad in my left hip that I couldn’t push. I still have fantom pain in my left hip from time to time. 8 years later and I have zero desire to go through that again. I remember.
Major props to you for minimal pain meds! That’s not something I could tolerate. Hugs momma.
Kendra says
October 6, 2018 at 11:05 amIt’s not a competition for minimal pain meds 🙂 I was just afraid of the possible side effects. That’s too bad about your hip though, I’m wondering if it’s truly phantom or if you are really suffering from a pinched nerve or something?
Shelley says
October 7, 2018 at 12:44 pmTwo out of five were natural births for me though with all five they had to break my water three I had to be induced my first they used forceps my third my plancenta tore and they had to manually take it out that was scary hearin the doctors speak quietly in concern amongst themselves But all five babies were born healthy 🙂 praise the Lord
Glad your little one is healthy and sounds like your having a good recovery! Blessings to you
Julianna says
October 8, 2018 at 10:49 amI was pleased to see that the first new post I received was a birth story! I think I must enjoy them as much as you do!
I can identify with the torture of an induction when the body is not ready for birth! After 4 normal home births the 5th was high risk due to complications with varicose veins. I ended up in the hospital at 38 weeks with an induction. My others were all overdue so I knew my body was not ready. My labor was slow as well, but not nearly as long as yours. With all the drama including monitoring and being checked by an none too gentle doctor during the labor, then having my water broken increasing already intense contractions, I felt traumatized! I felt traumatized for years! I was sure I would never want to do it again! But guess what…now that my baby is 3 years old, those memories have faded amazingly and the desire for another baby is overriding those hazy memories! So give yourself time…lots of time! And wait for the Lord…don’t close your heart now to another baby before you have had time to heal those memories! God bless you!
Kendra says
October 17, 2018 at 4:34 pmOh my! It would be doubly hard to have rough, unsympathetic drs/nurses during labor. Glad to hear the memories have faded, I’m sure they will for me as well, I’m just not entirely certain I want to do it without an epidural again. The pitocin already dulls the amazing birth high (I didn’t need pit with my first and that feeling after he was born was amazing), so if I’m losing that part of birth, why not just lose the pain too? We’ll see though, maybe I’ll get brave again lol
Arlene says
October 12, 2018 at 10:57 pmI think it’s perfectly normal and understandable to feel sad when your birth experience is not what you hoped and planned. Even though you are thankful and happy to have a healthy baby, you still lost something – the birth you hoped for. And a loss naturally brings sadness and grief. It took me a long time to really understand how we can feel two or more opposing emotions at the same time, but feeling sad over a loss and thankful for a blessing at the same time is just normal. I was blessed that most of my 7 births were close to what I hoped for, but I know I would have been really sad to have lost those experiences. Not only for the sake of the experience itself, but more because my hopes for a good birth experience was also a desire for a safe and natural experience that enabled me to best connect with my baby. To lose the experience meant I also lost some of that connection. For example, I think it’s the drug they use to slow postpartum bleeding that causes some short term memory loss. They didn’t tell me about that before they gave it to me, but after I mentioned not remembering something that they said had happened, they explained why. So because of (maybe) needing that medicine, I lost some memories of precious first moments with my newborn, moments we can never get back. It wasn’t a major issue, but still made me sad. Anyway, all that to say don’t feel bad about feeling sad. 😢 I’m sorry it was such a difficult birth. Sounds like you did a great job getting thru it. 💙 Congrats on your new precious Andre.
Kendra says
October 17, 2018 at 4:38 pmThat would be hard to lose those memories :'( Pitocin suppresses oxytocin and it’s the oxytocin our bodies make that gives momma’s that amazing birth “high” right after the baby is born.
The feeling I had after my first was so good, I was beaming and felt like a champion (later the exhaustion and pain set in lol) but with the last 2 and needing pit, I was just exhausted and relieved it was over. I feel like I missed out on bonding the way I did with my first.
In the end, he’s a healthy little champ who’s growing well so I’m thankful for that!
Amanda says
November 2, 2018 at 9:05 amThank you so very much for sharing your story and your heart! I too grieved and mourned during the 2 births of my 4 children. I have pelvic disproportion, so when my first one was born 4 days after her due date, having been induced and laboring for 14 hours and 2.5 hours of pushing, her heart rate began to fluctuate and we had to have a c-section. At 8lb7oz, she simply wouldn’t fit through my pelvis and came out with a sweet, but bruised, banana-shaped head. I was frustrated with my body and missed having that precious experience, and I was also in a lot of pain. A few years later, I was given a 50% chance of delivering a 7lb baby, so with my second I tried my best to watch what I ate exercised, and did everything to try to ensure I could avoid a c-section, However, about halfway through I began measuring larger than my dates and my doctor finally said he didn’t want to chance it. I was devastated and at 38 weeks my 9lb4oz second daughter was born. (I think they had my due date wrong). She was precious, my recovery and pain was less than the first, I was so grateful, but I still felt betrayed by my body wanting so much to deliver the way God intended. My third pregnancy was full of surprises, the biggest being twins. At this point I knew my doctor wasn’t going to allow me to try for a regular delivery, but I begged anyway. It’s a good thing I didn’t try because our son weighed 8 pounds and was down first. He would have never passed through my pelvis and I don’t know what would or could have happened to our 6 lb baby girl who shared my womb with him, the precious baby girl we had to monitor regularly because she wasn’t growing as rapidly as her brother. Thankfully and gratefully, they were both healthy and are approaching their 16th birthday. I still wonder what it’s like to experience a regular delivery. I wonder if my daughters will inherit the same struggle. However, I have four beautiful blessings with which God has blessed me. I have a story I can share with other moms in the same position. Our motherhood stories are so unique just like the lives of our children. Praying for you as you recover, adjust, and reflect on the memories, unpleasant and good. Thank you for allowing God to use you and your blog to bless others!
Ugochi says
November 5, 2018 at 11:08 pmCongratulations Kendra! The joys of holding your baby makes the whole ordeal easier to handle. Praise God that you and Andre are fine.