As a parent, I get lots of advice. Most of it is good, some of it is annoying, and some is downright strange (seriously this is my favorite as I enjoy a good laugh!).
But in my opinion, the worst kind is thoughtless parenting advice. By this I mean the glib, tip of the tongue responses people tend to spout off for certain circumstances.
It’s not bad advice, but it’s something we moms are already aware of and quite frankly it’s annoying.
Like the time a total stranger sees my cranking baby and says he needs a nap. Well yes, but we also need food. Why else do you think I would even try to grocery shop with a baby?
But the worst by far is one that actually aggravates me ever. single. time. The worst thoughtless parenting advice that I see/hear is frustrating and while I don’t want to step on any toes, I do want to ask the givers of this advice to seriously consider what they are saying.
Thoughtless Parenting Advice Exhibit A
This happened on my Facebook.
I baby-wear and had to lay my tiny little baby down in his bed so I could handle a household task and I remember being shocked at how ANGRILY he responded. I still can hardly believe such a small baby could throw such a temper tantrum.
I shared that incident on Facebook with the thoughts and realization of how quickly my sin nature shows up in my little baby.
Instant gun-fire!
How dare I lay my baby down and then be surprised that he was mad! “He’s only little once, you need to hold him as much as you can!”
Apparently my son’s infanthood is so short that I must wear/hold him 100% of the time. Even when I’m opening my 400 degree oven to remove the family’s dinner. Or while I’m moving blistering hot canners full of food for the winter from the stove.
Thoughtless Parenting Advice Exhibit B
This happened with a selfie my friend shared of herself holding her sleeping little girl.
She captioned it something like this: ” I wish there were enough hours in my day to just hold her while she sleeps; but laundry needs done, dishes need washed and dinner prepped”.
Instant “friendly fire”
Dishes can wait.
Who needs laundry?
They are only little once.
That’s what freezer pizzas are for.
Why this thoughtless parenting advice frustrates me
“They’re only little once” just about makes me mad.
As a mom, I KNOW they’re only little once. I’m the one who sees him growing and developing each day. I’m the one who rejoices over his milestones while secretly mourning the tiny baby he once was.
My friend shared her photo because she also realizes it. Why else was she wishing for more hours in her day?
Even worse is all the comments about laundry, dishes, and dinner “waiting”. Yes, it can wait.
But at some point my child will have to go naked if the laundry waits too long. At some point he’s going to be eating off the floor because the dishes are all dirty, and if the dishes are all dirty, chances are the floor is going to be worse.
At some point, these tasks will HAVE to be done.
So here is my advice to you.
I know you mean well, I know you miss how little your babies once were. But please. If you are going to tell a new mom to enjoy them while they are little, please follow up that advice with the offer to clean her house, fix a meal, or do laundry. A Merry-Maids gift card would also work. 😉
And guess what? If you come clean my house, fix my meals, or do my laundry, I will joyfully take your advice and spend every minute you save me playing with my son!
Until then, I’m going to do what I can to involve him in my housework and once he’s asleep I will lay him down so I can work online. Because at the end of the day I want my lights off because I flipped a switch, and not because the power company did it for me. 😛
Older moms, we look up to you, you’ve “been there, done that”, and we value your advice. So please don’t give us thoughtless parenting advice, we just need your real stories and to know you understand (and if you want to offer help, we won’t turn that down either!).
Rosilind says
October 12, 2015 at 8:58 amYou are SO right on this. These are just things that used to really make smoke come out my ears!!!!
Kendra says
October 12, 2015 at 12:22 pm🙂 I don’t think it really makes me mad, but it’s frustrating. Like these women have been in my shoes, have they really forgotten so quickly what it’s like?
Cheryl @The Long Way to Go says
October 12, 2015 at 9:09 amNo thoughtless parenting advice from this mom of 11 who has heard it all as well. 🙂
Much of this kind of advice only serves to invoke guilt and stems from child-centered parenting rather than God-centered, but I suspect you already know that. You’re doing a great job mama! The only advice I have is to embrace each season as it comes, and you seem to be doing just that. Love this post!
Kendra says
October 12, 2015 at 12:18 pmThanks Cheryl, I definitely try to embrace each season, but I will admit that some seasons are far more enjoyable than others 🙂
Kendra says
October 12, 2015 at 12:21 pmOh and I love your new site! I didn’t know you had another one (how fun to write with your daughters!). Are you still writing at your other one?
Cheryl @The Long Way to Go says
October 13, 2015 at 2:29 pmI was hoping to be able to do both, but unfortunately, that was spreading myself too thin, so for now, the Shoebox sits idle. I do miss it though, as the focus of The Long Way is so different from the topics I dealt with at the Shoebox. But I’m also working on an eBook of my testimony, which has helped fill that void. 🙂 Thanks for asking, and I’m glad you like the new site. Seems there is always so much to learn. 🙂
Emma says
October 12, 2015 at 2:02 pmI certainly agree with you, too! With each baby I realize more and more how fleeting each stage is, but that still doesn’t change the fact, as you said, that the family must have food and clothing. Baby simply has to learn to lay down or sit down and be happy without mommy for a little while. My nearly-nine-month-old is finally learning to sleep by herself at night for awhile, and I love it! One thing that does change as your family grows older, though, is that there are older children to hold the baby and help with the other work.
Naomi@WhatJoyIsMine says
October 12, 2015 at 10:31 pmKendra…How true are your words! I think they mean well but maybe have forgotten “back when.” I think maybe choosing to encourage by way of “You’re doing a good job” or “I understand, I’ve been there” may produce better fruit. Thank you sharing and for hosting. Have a great week.
Kadie @ 12 twenty 8 says
October 13, 2015 at 1:18 amThis is so true! Do you want me to spend every waking minute with my child or do you want my home to be spotless and ready for company at a moment’s notice? 😉 You wrote this very well!
Mariana says
October 15, 2015 at 3:29 pmHi! I just “dropped by” your blog and after reading this post, I totally second them!
Linda says
October 22, 2015 at 12:14 amAmen to all you said. I’m 68 years old. Been a mom three different times. I learnt a child needs his time also. We care with all our hearts, but yes we have to do our chores otherwise we would never have time too relax with our babies. Don’t listen to people that try to shame you, and make you feel guilty. You would feel guilty of your child was scalded. You also don’t need to spoil your child O cam tell your a great mom. You can spoil your child with LOVE as you certainly do. You have to set limits. That’s how they will know you love them. Having the Good Lord, and Love in your home is what’s important. Saying no is an important part of growing up I always explained why I was saying no. Also playing who picks up after themselves is a great learning tool. Learning to lose is important as they grow older to. I’m proud of how my children grew up to be good wonderful responsible adults. Wonderful parents also. God, and Jesus has always been in our lives. One important thing to do with your child is to read to them, I read Bible stories to them from the beginning they are avid learners, and all Love to read. My son is a Sunday school teacher, my one granddaughter helps the children in church also. My granddaughters are all respectful,because God was, and always will be in all our homes. God Bless you my dear.
Kendra says
October 22, 2015 at 2:07 pmThanks Linda. You are so right, a child does need his time. I’ve discovered lately that giving my son something he can do on his own without me being right there has helped his overall attitude so much at times. Just showing him that he can survive without always being with me is a great thing. 🙂
And yes on the saying no. 🙂 We try to give simple commands so that no isn’t always used for everything, but he does know what it means!
Thank you so much for stopping by.
Amber says
January 13, 2017 at 2:01 amI would say this is the most valuable advice I have ever received!
I was like you too when my oldest was a baby (now 4, so I’m not one of those kids-moved-out-and-I’m-just-missing-them moms) but I kept reviving this advice, so finally I stopped to understand what this meant and why would every parent with grown children say it. It must hold some value. Evaluating their advice I realized that as Moms of littles we do let moments slip passed, we focus on the chores calling our name. We say ‘let me finish this and then I will focus on my child’ sure sonedays it has to be done, but look back, how many days in a row did you put those chores first? Then think of all the times where you thought ‘screw the chores! Let’s just be in the moment’
What one has more days?
I thought back to my childhood and remember as a kid knowing my mom was too busy with the house and homeschooling 4 kids to really be in the moment. I realized that’s what the advice means. Evaluate your priorities, because the chores will always be there but those little moments won’t.
Go grocery shopping, but instead of focusing on the list, make a game up with your kids. Do laundry, but make it a game of basketball. Clean the house, but stay up until 3am if need be so the next day you can live in the moment.
For every mom “living in the moment” will look different.
Those empty nesters know what they are saying, they heard it when they had littles and are passing it on to the next generation.
Since my refocus, I rarely receive this advice. I truly believe that the older generation of parents can tell when we need to be reminded that “they are only little once”. So Moms, if you keep receiving this advice, stop, listen, pray and evaluate.