Anyone who has been married for long, will know that there are times when hurtful words are spoken. Times when your spouse says something that just hurts. Times when you don’t even know who you are married to.
What do you do in those times? Respond in anger? Run away and feel sorry for yourself? Ask why they are acting like that?
I have a husband who is always saying the meanest things. I mean, sometimes I think he intentionally says things to make me feel bad. I would respond in anger, and then, he would sit there looking shell-shocked, as his poor brain would try to figure out why his “sweet little wifey” was acting that way.
Other times, I would be trying to have a normal conversation with him and suddenly he would get mad at me! What did I do wrong besides trying to talk my husband?
In the past couple years I’ve been trying to study my man. Learn more about who he is and why he acts the way he does sometimes. This study has actually led me to a deeper understanding of myself.
When Hurtful Words are Spoken, Do you know Why?
When it comes to mean, hate filled words, that are targeted to kill and destroy; I know from the past that they are no fun. However I have learned that “kill and destroy” are not Jason’s intentions. Instead, his intentions are generally very good, but he stinks when it comes to talking a woman’s language. In fact, I’m willing to guess that most men stink at that!
Here’s a funny example: Jason worked for 5 weeks on the other side of the country this winter. I managed to get time off, and cheap tickets so I flew out over his birthday to surprise him. I get to where he is staying at 11pm and sneak up to his room. He opens his eyes in a very sleepy way and then grabs me for a hug. However, the first words out of his mouth are these: “When are you going home?”
As a woman, I would never say that to a welcome visitor. In fact, I probably wouldn’t even say that to an unwelcome visitor. My wording would be ” how long do you get to stay?” To a woman, “when are you going home?” sounds like the person wants to know how soon they can get rid of you.
Fortunately I’ve been married to my guy long enough that I knew what he meant. But other times, well lets just say I’m still learning. 🙂
The same can go with us women. Not only are men bad at speaking women’s language, they don’t understand it either.
Another example: When I get upset over something, the first thing Jason does is try to “fix the problem”, this is done by handing out what is usually unwelcome, and unwanted advice. While talking over our birthing plans, I began to realize something. Jason will want to help me. But, I don’t think I’m going to welcome him telling me to relax or breathe right, or anything else. How can he know what will help me? He’s never given birth.
I figured that it would be well to tell him ahead of time, what I would really need from him during labor and delivery (support and cheering only), and to explain that the midwives would be the ones to coach. And poor guy, all he heard through my entire monolog with him was that I didn’t like how he helped and that I would be better off without him!
Apparently I don’t speak a man’s language any better than he understands a woman’s language!
The first thing to do in your marriage when hurtful words are spoken is to stop and think. Don’t react right away. Instead try to learn your spouse’s intentions. Listen to what they are meaning instead of what they are saying.
I may be wrong, but I’m guessing at least 90% of us truly did marry one of “the good guys”, but if we don’t understand them any better than they understand us; well, is it any wonder that there are times when hurtful words are spoken?
Make it a goal to study your man; chances are you will learn that hurting you was never his intentions in the first place!
Chris says
March 16, 2014 at 10:23 pmThanks so much,Kendra…beautiful post.
Rosilind @ A Little R & R says
March 17, 2014 at 2:36 amThis is so important to remember. Sometimes we are so busy defending ourselves that we forget that our spouses don’t mean to hurt us — I am learning this, too…and when i choose not to take his words personally, things seem to go a lot smoother. If only I’d remember that EVERY time. 😀
Ugochi says
March 17, 2014 at 6:57 amYou are so right Kendra, my husband always tells me that no matter what he says or does, he never sets out to intentionally hurt me. This is helping me, as I have purposed to think positively of everything he does rather than buy the enemy’s suggestions.
Thanks for sharing and hosting Kendra, hope you are taking care of you and baby.
Have a super blessed week!
Love
Kendra says
March 17, 2014 at 7:06 amThank Ugochi 🙂 And we are doing as well as can be expected I’m sure! Little one is certainly growing 🙂
Becca says
March 17, 2014 at 11:15 amAwesome post on Marriage Conflict, Kendra! You are so right, it is usually a matter of them not speaking our language and us not understanding theirs. Your example at the hotel is hilarious – such a perfect depiction of the fact that thing can be intended and taken very differently! Thanks for sharing and thanks for hosting!
Kendra says
March 17, 2014 at 11:22 amIt was pretty funny 🙂 Not actually at a hotel though, he was staying with family and they were all standing at the bottom of the steps waiting to hear his reaction. Needless to say there was a lot of laughing down there after his comment!!!
Thanks for stopping by!
Laurie Collett says
March 17, 2014 at 12:58 pmThanks for the great post & for hosting & God bless!
momstheword says
March 18, 2014 at 2:37 amLoved your post! I’ve been married for 30 years and so we’ve learned a “little” about communication, hahaha! I think all men want to “fix” things because why else are you telling them, right? At least, in their minds. My husband has finally learned that I wanted him to listen, not try and fix it, lol! Thanks for hosting today.